AU - Spain as a detective
by joxarn
Summary: The very incomplete adventures of Antonio, Chief Inspector, and Gilbert, who isn't his real assistant but wishes he was. I started writing this for fun a long time ago and haven't continued. Contains various Hetalia characters.


_A/N: This is a few years old. On top of that this one is pretty different from what I usually write, it was based on a kinkmeme request and I wanted to try something new. Not meant to be taken seriously, and I know the characterisation may be a little over-the-top for the more sophisticated Hetalia-fans, so to speak. :-P _

_I had only written out this much, but I've kept thinking that if I eventually showed it to anyone and people liked it, I might eventually continue on it, so please do leave a review and tell me your thoughts._

* * *

**His cheek felt weird**, someone seemed to be hitting his head, and the letters on his half-written report had been smudged by drool. Aside from these things, he didn't consider falling asleep by his desk a particularly bad or uncomfortable thing.

"Wake up, oh master of masterminds", an annoying, snickering voice chanted in rhythm with the whacks to his head. "Morning has broken! Also, I'm hungry as hell. Also also, if Big Ben catches you sleeping here -"

"Mmh 'wake", the master of masterminds yawned, knocking over a can of Chupa Chups on his cluttered desk as he stretched out his arms. He laughed and scratched his head, picking up one of the lollipops and leaning back in the chair. Fingering at the candy's plastic wrap, he asked, "What time is it?"

"Almost seven", the man answered. He plunked himself down on top of the desk, wrinkling a few papers that probably deserved better, and threw his feet into the lap of the other who first let out an oof and then yawned again before speaking.

"And you don't have class, Gilbert?"

"Who cares?"

He smiled and raised his eyebrows. "Your teachers, I'd imagine."

"Tch, I'm too awesome to go there. Besides, you need my help here! You can't solve anything without the help of the fantastic me!"

Before there was time to retaliate, the doors swung open and a sour voice sounded.

"Chief Inspector Carriedo! Always the early bird, are we? No, wait, allow me rephrase - no sleeping in the office, for Christ's sake!"

The chief inspector spun his chair around and waved lazily to his coworker, flashing him a bright smile. "Buenos días to you too, Arthur! Another night of not getting any, huh? I know it must be hard on you, but hang in there!"

While Gilbert snickered, the officer's already annoyed expression turned almost furious, and the skin of his face reddened for various reasons.

"Y-y-you degenerate slob! I swear, I'm going to - !"

"Ah, hmm. Good morning. Would you please quiet down a little?"

A tall man with his hair slicked back and a mildly concerned expression on his face entered the room, his eyes focused on the agitated Arthur. The latter glared at him for a moment before mumbling something about the war and walking over to his own desk, angrily slumping down into his chair and starting to flip through some papers.

"Thank you", the man nodded in his direction, then turning his eyes to the other two in the room. "Good morning, Antonio... Gilbert, what are you doing here?"

"He's skipping class again", Antonio smiled, lollipop hanging from the side of his mouth. Gilbert grimaced.

"I'm not! My lectures don't even start this early! And Ludwig," he said, grabbing a lollipop himself and using it to point at the tall man, "don't even try to throw me out. You're just jealous because I'm a much awesomer cop than you!"

Gilbert concluded his sentence with a loud, conceited laugh, and Ludwig sighed, lifting a hand to rub his temple.

"Awesomer is not a word, and you're not a policeman, brother. Until you finish your studies, you're -"

"An obnoxious twat, that's what he is", Arthur grumbled without facing them. "The perfect assistant for a worthless blockhead of a detective."

"We love you too, Earl Grey", Gilbert snorted, skipping off Antonio's desk and walking over to lean on Arthur's. "So, any news on yesterday's knifing?"

"Idiot, you're not -"

"We're not involved in that case", Antonio stated before Arthur could. In surprise, Gilbert snapped his head back to the detective.

"What?! Why not? We were the first cops at the scene! And it seemed exciting, too!"

Maintaining his untroubled expression, Antonio gestured with his hand as he spoke.

"Oh, circumstances, you know? I can't be trusted to be unbiased since my assistant is the prime suspect."

Gilbert's eyes widened. "Me?!"

"His real assistant, you birdbrain", Arthur clarified. "Though I'd much rather see you locked up than him. I can't believe that guy would harm a fly."

"Sergeant Honda was arrested last night", Ludwig said, clearing his throat. "I find it hard to believe myself, but... well."

Scratching his head, Gilbert returned to Antonio and sat down on top of his desk again. He popped the Chupa Chup he had been holding into his mouth, causing his words to become muffled.

"What the heck, man. I thought Kiku said he needed the day off to go out of town?"

"He did, but apparently he was -"

"You know, something's troubling me", Arthur interrupted quite loudly, tapping a pen against his desk. "Since when do we discuss our cases with random bums? Or did mister Beilschmidt perhaps graduate the police academy while I blinked?"

"Aw, you know my name!" Gilbert chirped, clapping his hands. Arthur groaned and gestured towards the still standing Ludwig.

"I should know my boss' name, you nitwit!"

"But Ludwig's not -"

"Arthur is right", Ludwig suddenly cut in, his deep voice earning the others' attention. "Case information is not to be shared carelessly, and we should all get to work now, regardless. Antonio, I need you in my office. Gilbert, go to school - please."

Ignoring a protest from his brother, Ludwig withdrew from the room and walked off down the corridor. Antonio rose from his chair and made a smacking noise with his mouth as he took the lollipop out.

"He needs me in his office", he repeated, looking amused. "Maybe I'm getting a raise!"

"It's probably about Honda", Arthur muttered. "Would you hurry up? It's impossible to focus on work with you two around."

"Yeah, with a breathtaking guy like me in the room, who can blame you?" Gilbert smirked, striking a pose and kissing his own imaginary biceps. Arthur threw a pencil at him, hitting him in the face. "Ow!"

"Get out, you morons!"

"Yep, let's go", Antonio agreed, opening the door just in time to hold it up for an entering policewoman, who smiled at him shyly as she passed by. "Gilbert?"

"I'm not going to class!"

"Come with me to Ludwig's office, then."

Cackling, Gilbert bounced off Antonio's desk and sent Arthur a pointless, defiant smirk before following his friend out of the room.  
Arthur sighed and mumbled curses as he returned to his paperwork.

* * *

"Well, that sucked", Gilbert decided as the two stepped out of the police station around half an hour later. The air was brisk, and they paused on the sidewalk, enjoying the smell of coffee carried by a passing officer.

"At least he didn't assign me to only do paperwork while they investigate", Antonio said with his unfaltering smile. "You're still not gonna go to your lecture?"

"Of course not. So, you figure Kiku really stabbed that guy? Ludwig made it sound like the guy pretty much confessed."

"No idea. I'm hungry, how about breakfast?"

Gilbert smacked his own forehead. "Shit, I forgot to ask Ludwig for money. Can you pay?"

Antonio was about to nod, but seemed to be hit by a realization and pulled his wallet out from his pocket. He looked it through and chuckled, shrugging as he put it back.

"Actually, no. I can't even pay for myself. So... who owes me money?" he pondered, scratching his head. Gilbert looked thoughtful.

"Your neighbour, maybe? Cat-man?"

"Yeah, but he's gone somewhere, I think he's coming back tomorrow."

"What about that thing with Feliciano?"

"No, that wasn't a loan. I gave it to him."

"Oh. Think he'd serve us breakfast?"

"The restaurant doesn't open this early. He's probably still sleeping sweetly in his bed..."

They sighed, simultaneously forgetting their problems for a moment as they imagined their friend's sleeping face. Then, Gilbert seemed to think of something and smirked.

"You know, it's been a while since we visited Francis. Like, days. I bet he misses us real bad!"

Antonio barely had time to nod in approval before the two of them dashed off in the direction of the finer quarters.

* * *

The man opened his door wearing only a towel, which slipped off when he joyfully embraced his visitors.

"My dears! How lovely it is to see you!"

"Hi, Francis! Can we have breakfast?"

"Cover the Eiffel tower, will ya!"

Gilbert dodged Francis' greeting kisses, slipping past him into the luxurious penthouse apartment. He threw himself onto a couch, putting his feet up on the designer coffee table while watching Antonio get groped.

"You have the most perfect timing", Francis said, suddenly turning away from Antonio and walking across the room to pick up a fancy bathrobe that had been thrown over a chair. He put it on as he spoke. "I have some wonderful things for you to try! And a new wine, from -"

"Sorry, no wine", Antonio answered, readjusting his shirt that had suddenly been unbuttoned. "We have work to do. Or, well, I do."

"Ah, but just a tiny little taste?"

Gilbert picked up the TV's remote control from the coffee table and threw it at Francis, missing. "No means no, wino, now make me a sandwich! Do you have any Nutella?"

"I have no such thing!" Francis exclaimed, offended. "Antonio, what ever will we do with Gilbert? All the junk food must have rotted his taste buds!"

"I'm sorry", Antonio laughed. "But if you don't mind, let's eat. We're starving."

"Yes, of course. Come."

Antonio followed Francis to the kitchen, which was spotless as always. On a counter stood an unfittingly cheap-looking plastic bag, out of which Francis picked up a similarly unfitting plastic container, and Antonio wondered where the man got off complaining about Gilbert.

"This," Francis presented cheerfully, "is good. Ah, well, it will be in a moment, at least. You absolutely must taste it."

"What -"

"It is yogurt, and I am going to make you a yogurt soup", the man continued, opening the lid of the container and pouring its contents into a more classy bowl. Getting some of it on his finger, he held his hand out to Antonio. "Lick?"

"That's gross", Antonio laughed. Francis gave out a short laugh as well, but rolled his eyes as he licked it off himself and turned back to the plastic bag to pick up more things.

"Anyway, this soup, I got to try it when I was travelling. Then, just this week, my business contact -"

"Hey! It's on the news, man!" Gilbert's loud voice suddenly called out from the other room. "Come quickly!"

"I'll be right back. Keep cooking", Antonio smiled to Francis and walked out. Francis glared after him tiredly, letting out a tsk as he started mixing ingredients.

In the other room, Antonio slumped down next to Gilbert in the couch, turning his attention to the screen.

"- suspect, a local police officer, has been taken into custody. The victim was still in critical condition yesterday evening, but his condition stabilized during the night, and the doctor in charge says chances are now that he'll make a full recovery. - Sports: the Olympics..."

"So he's still alive", Gilbert hummed. "Meaning Kiku isn't a murderer. Yet, at least."

"I already knew that", Antonio sighed, leaning back. "Ludwig would have told us if the guy had died. Did they say anything of importance before that?"

* * *

_A/N: It ends rather abruptly here. Like I said, feel free to tell me if you would really like me to write any more of it, otherwise I'll leave this one as one of my unfinished ideas._


End file.
